Monday, August 1, 2011

I have Ruined my Child.

Remember when I told you I have no interest in your kids? I don’t really care that little Billy pooped in the toilet for the first time, or Suzie can read at a third grade level and she is only three weeks old. Its great that you think your kid is amazing, but remember I know they are still having a hard time telling the difference between an elephant and a dog…your kid isn’t that smart. In fact, I would rather hear about all the stupid stuff your kid does because honestly I think it is a direct result of your negligent parenting, which I find hilarious. I am sure all of you experienced parents out there are either laughing or cursing at me…’you have only been a parent for seven weeks, you don’t know shit’. (happy seven week and one day birthday Eme!) In fact in my seven young weeks of parenting I have done more to ruin my child than all of you have done combined. Quite possibly, I might be the worst parent ever in the history of parents and so begins my first post ‘how I have ruined my child today’.
In seven weeks here are just a few of the things I have done that will torture my young child throughout her life.
I let her watch the first Star Wars Phantom Menace before Star Wars a new Hope.
She is a Cubs fan
She still doesn’t have a facebook page
She was a wake Saturday when I drunkenly ate a soft pretzel and cheese in my underwear at 2am. No one should have to see that.
I have promised her a pony like 80 times. I hate ponies.


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