Thursday, March 25, 2010

Nut Cancer, The Redheaded Step Child

I would venture to guess that breast cancer (or just cancer in general) is a horrible thing to go through. But if I am being completely honest here, I find cancer really annoying…and I have never had it! As you know by now breast cancer gets a month entirely to itself where women across the world get to wear pink shirts and walk arm and arm and talk about…well, BOOBS!

The annoying part…where is ball cancer month? I mean can you imagine 100,000 men walking down the street arm and arm talking about their balls? Outside of a gay pride parade, I think most people would find this annoying. I can see it now, Bon Jovi walking down the street with a giant scrotum hat on, fist pumping and singing…”Disease in my balls and you're to blame, cancer you give nuts a bad name”. I just don’t think a rally like this would get the same support as a parade of women wearing a shirt that says ‘I love my breasts”. Yes ma’am, I love them too.

See, an excuse to look at Reese Witherspoon's breasts, she is even pointing at them in case you don't know where they are.  Not as cool if that was Clint Eastwood in a speedo.  So thanks for sucking cancer, I hate you.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Pterodactyl attack.

There are all sorts of hand holding techniques, the simple cup, the more intimate interlocking fingers, or my personal hell the one finger hold. What are you trying to accomplish here? Are you afraid of getting lost, or dragged away by a pterodactyl on your way from the car to the grocery? You can hold hands in the movie theater, but it really makes eating popcorn really hard. (Once I got my head stuck in the popcorn tub) All you are really accomplishing is a through transfer of germs.

The worst hand holding is what I refer to as the circus elephant. Think back to that dorky couple in high school that was always holding hands. The girl was much more excited about the concept so in protest the guy would walk slower so it looked as if the girl was dragging the guy down the hallway. Her arm stretched back and his forward, trunk to tail leading the way. There are small nuances to hand hold besides just your general technique. Firmness of grip, the occasional hand squeeze (yup I am still here just in case your hand went numb), whether you are going to swing hands while you walk, and determining who is the lead (back to the circus elephant analogy). And lastly who is going to lose their dominant hand? I mean if I have to walk around only using my left hand to get things off shelves or press elevator buttons, I am at a serious disadvantage. And just think what would happen if that pterodactyl did show up, trying fighting off that bugger with your left hand because your right hand is locked in a finger wrapped, extra tight hand swinging nightmare while she is trying to run away and you are trying to fight. No thanks. I am going to keep both hands free thank you very much.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Welcome All Weirdos!

I love craigslist, but not just because I have found it terribly helpful in my pursuit of purchasing cheap goods, or finding gainful employment. In fact it has never helped me with any of that, in fact I find the site to be quite horrible for all of those things. (hence sitting at home right now and not working) But I still love craigslist because you can be the freakiest nasty whack job out there and as long as you put a little black square over your eyes as you take a picture of yourself in the mirror, butt ass naked, with a boa constrictor around your neck while a clown makes pancakes in the background…it’s all good. All of these nay sayers claim craigslist is nothing but a forum for prostitution, no shit, where have you been for the past 10 years?

For God’s sake there is a section for men who used to be women looking for women who used to be a man, that is amazing! You want to find someone that likes wearing shirts as pants and socks for hats…they are on there.

You know it is hard enough for an average male in his mid 20’s to find a normal chick to fall in love with, and there are thousands of options out there. So I say; carry on craigslist. Help the freaks of the world find each other, the lonely dungeons and dragons middle aged men pay for the occasional date, and for soccer moms to find a few nice women to start a Harry Potter book club (then get freaky with a jar of mayo and a hot glue gun).