Thursday, September 22, 2011

Trust me, they are not to be trusted.

Random list of people I don’t trust and you shouldn’t either:
1. People with mullets with no facial hair
2. Security guards with only a flashlight as a weapon

3. Guys that drink the ‘other flavors’ of Mountain Dew
4. People that don’t find me funny
5. People that find me really funny
6. Guys that wear ties and short sleeved dress shirts
7. Clowns and people that dress up in costumes at Disney. What are they hiding?
8. People that walk their dogs without a leash
9. The Birthday boy or girl – Have not heard the old excuse? “What? I can bring a prostitute back to the dorm, it’s my birthday.”
10. Ryan Peter Miller

Monday, September 12, 2011

Getting old isn't so bad.

I am turning 30 years old soon and to be completely honest with you it really doesn’t bother me. Look, I have never been hip so no one expects me to know the cool places to hang out. I have always had a decent taste in clothes so you wont find my in a blue blazer and turtle neck anytime soon as you will never see me in some hipster skinny jeans. My party days were few and far between so no one can accuse me of ‘not going out anymore’. But there are a few things that I have noticed that are a little disturbing.
1. My first cocktail of the night is now a coffee
2. When I say ‘its what the kids are doing these days’ it is because some new trend scares me
3. I am the first person at every party
4. When my single friends tell me they went out with a girl I ask way too many personal questions. I then have to relay these details to my wife and then we go to our separate corners and shed a tear for our 20’s.
5. Farting is still funny, but it is also a relief to know my bowels are working as designed.
6. 8am is sleeping in…late
7. Hangovers last longer than one day
8. I can remember a time when I didn’t text, and I have no idea how anyone managed to meet up at a bar.
9. I watch gas prices and will drive out of my way to save $0.05 a gallon
10. I have some desire to read a news paper
11. Some products have been boycotted in my house due to political reasons.
12. I sit down to pee more often than I am comfortable to admit.

Friday, September 2, 2011

Rogue Cougar

I am not the pool boy. I do not have rock hard abs. I look like a ghost without my shirt on and I struggle to pick up a 50lbs bag of mulch, but this has not stopped my imagination from wondering if one day a lonely housewife will ask me to ‘look at something in the master bedroom’. For years I have been the general contractor that gets the invitation into the house for a glass of lemonade, or to pick up a check, or discuss another project and since the age of 15 I have always wondered if I would be the star of some contractor/ housewife porno. Mind you I am saying, wondered, not hoping or waiting for. As a single man I always hoped something fantastic might happen, but as a married man I fear the cougar.
I think this all went terribly wrong when the first landscaping job I worked on was the house of a very attractive 45 year old wife and mother of 3. The nanny was always away with the kids and the housewife had nothing but time to chat. Years later I wondered what was going on in the back of her mind (gosh this kid is skinny, I wish he would stop starring at me) but the seed had been planted. Now at the age of 29, I have young and old clients some attractive and some…not some much. More of the later than the former. I have utter faith in myself to be professional and loyal to my wife, but I do fear the rogue cougar that cannot control her sexual depravity and make me not a lover but victim. And it was just last week that I came face to face with such beast that had an obese loneliness in her eyes that might result in me being handcuffed to a radiator in the basement surrounded by teddy bears and rice crispy treats.
I knew I was in trouble when she requested screen paneling on her deck for privacy so she could ‘make out with her boyfriend…or whoever else.’ I could feel her eyes undressing me and slathering me with butter and marshmallows. The exit was too far away and we were four stories up, she knew what she was doing. I was out matched. The temptress had lured me into her sexual buffet and was ready to consume all she could eat. Slowly I reached for my phone and took an imaginary phone call from my wife…”yes honey I am still meeting with Suzy on XYZ street and will be home in 10 minutes”. Her eyes widened and began to salivate at the thought of another woman feasting on this man banquet. I hung up the phone, pointed to something across the street and made a run for it. Sure, probably bad for business, but you will also never find a picture of me dressed as Teddy Ruxpin eating a giant lollipop on some creepy porno site.