Saturday, April 24, 2010

What is that smell?

I am getting really tired of hearing inspirational/ motivational stories from used car sales men trying to pitch a book or DVD about taking advantage of life and making millions. All these people have ever been successful at is preying on the fragile emotions and bank accounts of the lower middle class. The stories all start the same…as a young boy in grade school I was stricken with a horrible case of fartenhousen disease. Every day after lunch my condition would flare up, the farts were uncontrollable. The pungent odor would permeate the class room, kids became ill from the stench many would faint, some would vomit and for others the odors would cause instantaneous flatulence causing the room to be filled with unconscious children, vomit and noxious odors. The pain and humiliation was horrible. For years the kids called me terrible names ‘Sir Farts’, ‘Mr Smelly’ and the worst ‘King Stinks’. I tried to hide by going off to college, but the names, and stink followed me wherever I went. It wasn’t until years later when I got into the real estate business that I found a place I could truly be myself. In new homes every day I was able to blame my farts and the smell on the previous real estate agent, and I could be myself, farting at will with no fear. After years of hard work I have establish a reputation for being the best real estate agent in town, making a million dollars a year. I look back on all those kids that used to barf and make fun of me and they are nothing compared to me. And you know what? Now when they smell a horrible fart they don’t barf or try and light a match, they breathe it in, long deep breathes and think about the most successful real estate agent in middle southwest Mississippi. King Farts? I don’t think so…King Real Estate.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Cellulite Body Suits

I know I am asking too much for you to follow simple instructions. I know I am asking too much for you to have a little bit of fashion sense, and by God I know I am just crazy for hoping you would not act like a complete douche bag at the gym, but let me help you solve all of these problems with one simple phrase. “It is called UNDER ARMOR not on top of/ only/ or just wear this armor.” The idea is remarkably simple, so simple you would think you wouldn’t need instructions on how to use the product (we have all worn shirts before), but as a precautionary measure the good people at the manufacturing plant decided to tell you exactly how to use the product in the name. A simple fact that many of you have managed to miss and it is causing a pandemic of such epic proportions I suggest we raise the national security threat to red.

Here are five tips to wearing under armor that will keep you from looking like a complete dumbass.

1. If you are not ripped and working out with a professional sports team wear something over your under armor.

2. See rule 1

3. See rule 1

4. See rule 1

5. See rule 1
You don’t see people walking around with hotdogs on their heads, or cups over their hands…a remarkable feat considering the products aren’t named ‘for eating’ and ‘for holding and consuming liquids’, but yet a huge portion of the population is miss using a product with built in instructions. Of course I would not have such a problem with this if it were beautiful women running around with skin tight clothing, but that isn’t further from the truth. They might as well have called the product, beer gut accentuator, giant ass sling, or the arm pit stain elaborator. The only thing worse than having to endure an hour on the treadmill behind a 300 lbs sweat drenched ass crack, is the fact that now people don’t even bring a change a of clothes to the gym and proceed to spend the rest of the day in this cellulite body suit.

PS And it is called a mock turtle neck because everyone is mocking you for wearing it.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Women are Stupid

Women are so stupid they are all looking for my phone number or email address right now to rip me apart and they don’t even know why. See the problem with women is they keep clamoring to be seen as equals to men, but honestly I think they are setting the bar way too low. I really have no idea how we got the upper hand a few thousand years ago and managed to stay at the top so long, but I am ready to hand over the controls and let them run this place for a while. I would think you would set your sights a little higher than being equal to us, but if that is the best you can think of, good luck. Must I remind you of some of the more idiotic things we have done…Adam ate the apple, some general fell for the Trojan horse trick, David Bowe invented the mullet, and did you ever see the movie Catwomen?

In the annals of time, important leading men have done some monumentally stupid things, and catching the rightful blame for most of these blunders. This is why I really don’t understand why so many women want to take these jobs from men. Let’s take a job like the presidency for example. Do you realize that 39 out of the 44 presidents of the United States have died? Seems like a pretty dangerous job. Forget crab fishing. That’s only a 12% survival rate! Why would you want that job? You would have to be stupid to want this job.

My last point on the matter is me. You probably think I am pretty stupid right about now, right? I mean how dumb do I have to be to write something like this when I know my wife and mother are going to read this, and I agree with you…DUMB! But here is the thing, you want to be seen as equals with men, yet it is men who are the only ones stupid enough to do something like this. So here is how I see it…

Women=Men        Men=Stupid       Therefore     Women=Stupid

Come on ladies, aim higher!