Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Put Fluffy Down!

Put Fluffy in the back freakin seat!  I swear if I see one more person driving around with their stupid dog in their lap I will throw a squeaky toy across the street so your dog jumps out of the window at 60 mph.  NOTHING, I repeat NOTHING good can come from you having your dog in your lap while driving.  You know I don’t really care about your safety, but I do care for my own and somehow I think trying to make a left hand turn through an intersection with one hand on your dog is a dumb move.  In all honesty I care more about the well being of your dog than you because it isn’t their fault you are a dumbass.
You will argue that your dog is small and doesn’t get in your way, bullshit.  And if your dog is that small, then wouldn’t they fit perfectly one the floor or even…on the seat next to you?  The most offensive occurrence is when I see someone with their dog in their lap and someone sitting in the passenger seat, or even worse two kids sitting the back.  You would think that the extra set of hands would be perfect to hold your dumb dog and focus on driving, but a guess a moment with an excited dog in your lap is more important than your children’s safety.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Would you walk already!

I really can’t believe it has come to this, but let’s have a conversation on how to walk across the street. Shit, a chicken can do it for no good reason, yet perfectly ‘intelligent’ people cannot seem to grasp the obviously over simple concept of not walking in front of a moving car.
Tip number one. If the sign says don’t walk…DON’T FREAKING WALK!
Crazy idea number two. Try to cross the street in dedicated street crossing areas to avoid littering the street with dead bodies.
About to blow your mind concept number three. Look up before you cross the street. WOW!
And to round it off to an even four. Please do not ‘creep’ into the street anticipating the walk sign. You are standing five feet off the curb in the middle of my lane in order to get some sort of 1 second head start, but mean while I cannot make a right turn. I obviously honk at you and try to wave you back on the sidewalk, at which point you give me the bird.
See the problem is that while yes you might be able to scurry across the street without making me slow down, the 300 lbs lady behind you has a flash back to the good old days where she could hop skip and jump like a cat. Well sorry Garfield, you aint going anywhere quick these days and now I have to wait on your poky ass.
Stand. Wait. Watch. Walk.
Wait one more thing. If you are going to cross illegally, f@cking run your ass across the street. This slow step waddle is unacceptable. Let’s move folks!

Monday, November 22, 2010

Forget safety, we need cash.

I recently heard a news report that a Chicago suburb is disappointed in the money that they have (not) received from red light cameras.  After only generating $30,000 in the second year of operation the city did an audit of the program and equipment and found some disturbing information.
The results of the study revealed that the lack of revenue was due to driver’s increase awareness of the red light cameras and have become more diligent in stopping at the light.  While to the average citizen this may seem like wonderful news, you would be wrong.   Elected officials of the township declared the red light program a failure that cost the city nothing expect for a few minutes at a couple of city council meetings.
Since hearing these findings I have decide to do a little audit of my own to determine a few other programs that might be cut due to their epic failures.  First the fire department was found to not actually stop fires from starting but they are only able to put them out once a blaze.  Program ended.  Second, the school system.  It seems that the average student only goes to school for 12 years and their program to provide subpar education in hopes of keeping students in the schools longer has failed.  While some students have made the effort to repeat grades most students still try and leave as quickly as possible.  Program cut.  Lastly, sewers and sanitation.  Well let’s just say I found out it is a bunch of shit.  Program cut.
In other news, I will be running for public office very soon.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

The most valuable lesson.

I saw a lady at the store today, two parking spots away from the shopping cart return, aimlessly push her cart towards the cart return.  Instead of doing the right thing and pushing the cart into the front of the hopper she just heaved the cart to the side of the return. The cart now rested clearly on the parking spot next to the return. She then hurriedly jumped into her car, but did not speed off. Instead she took a minute to fix her makeup, which gave me just enough time to enact my plan.

I grabbed the cart and pushed it behind her car and knocked on the window pointing to the car "watch out for your cart". She jumped out of the car and looked puzzled realizing there was no way that her cart could have traveled uphill 20 feet to rest there. It hit her that I put it there (I was shocked she figured it out so quickly). "What the fuck did you do that for?" "Well I saw that you had trouble putting this away right the first time so I thought I would give you a second chance, yea!  Think of it like a shopping cart bonus round.  Double points."  "You're an asshole"  "Now that you got right the first time" A comment that for some reason I felt needed to be followed up with a double thumbs up.  I almost started laughing as she pushed the cart right back to the same place she had before and stomped back into her car.

Now you might be thinking that i accomplished nothing, but I disagree.  Consider this.  How much time did she save by not putting this away properly the first time?  Let’s say ten seconds.  How much time do you think she wasted yelling at me?  Forty seconds.  By my math I just got a free 30 seconds of entertainment and you got the five best minutes of your day reading this blog.  And something tells me she will get it right the next time...if nothing else for the bonus points.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

I fought the law and the law...screwed me.

Some enlightening information.
Did you know it was called jay walking and not gay walking? This is a lot less offensive.
Also, the term is armed robbery not alarmed robbery. It seemed weird that you would only get in trouble for steeling stuff if you set off an alarm, but I still think it leaves too much wiggle room for some crooks. For example ninjas. They could rob someone by just kicking them and never using their arms. Loop hole.
As if we need more proof that men are more important, there is only a law against manslaughter not womanslaughter.

How much different would the world be if the first pervert ever caught was named Bill instead of Tom? Peeping Bill just doesn’t have the same ring to it.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010


Some birds don’t fly, but a few fish and several mammals can. Some birds can float, but a floating fish is usually dead.
A penguin has wings and can’t fly, but it can swim and walk on land. Otters also walk on land and are great swimmers but don’t have wings. A duck-billed platypus doesn’t have wings, walks on land and swims but can’t fly, but has a beak.
Some squirrels have wings and some don’t. None of them can fly, but they all are annoying.
Turtles and alligators lay their eggs on land but live in water most of the time. Toads lay their eggs in water but only live on land.
And then there are humans, don’t even get me started.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Let's Talk Turkey

Let’s just run the gauntlet here to get this week kicked off right.
Thanksgiving.  It is the holiday between Christmas and Halloween, so calm the F down Target.
Miley Cyrus got caught drinking a Corona while in Spain and the whole country (U.S.) is shocked.  Really?  You are surprised to hear that an offspring of Billy Ray Cyrus is drinking underage?  I am more shocked that the beer was in a bottle and not a tall boy can.  Miley, you lost me.
Have you heard of this movie For Colored Girls?  I was kind of pissed when I heard the name of this movie, immediately thinking there is no way we could get away with making a movie called White Chicks.  Then I realized there is a movie called White Chicks and it is about two black dudes.  Now I don’t know what to think.  I need to do some more research, starting with Miss Black America.
Pirates.  These guys just don’t know when enough is enough.
I haven’t had bacon in over a month and its killing me.  Stupid high cholesterol.  And don’t you dare tell me to try Turkey bacon, that is just plain horrible. 
This just in, the Happy Meal is not good for you.  Thank you U.S. government for your diligent work.
I need bacon.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Hello, I am Bob D...Snooze.

Bob Dold. The guy’s name is Bob Dold. He is running for some office, I have absolutely no idea what exactly and have no idea what his stance is on anything. What I do know is that I will never vote for him. Why? Because half way through hearing his name I fell asleep, he might be the most boring man ever. In the ideals of fairness, with this being the voting season, I decided to give the guy a chance and do a little research. Bad idea. After I was awaken from the boredom endued coma that his website put me into I sat down here to warn my fellow Americans. While he may stand for family values and the American way, his over whitened smile and super nerd hair cut make me want to vomit.
Now for my readers over 40 years old (hello mother, hello father…grandpa?) you might think my stance is stupid, uneducated, and uniformed; well you would be correct. I am being totally irrational, making split second important decisions about the path of American politics based on how someone looks. Damn straight, welcome to 2010.
Without making this about the politics of politics (as I secretly vowed to never discuss anything of merit or value on this blog) I can’t get over a how unnoticeable someone with such lofty dreams can be. Besides the overwhelming press he will get from this article, I bet his own mother forgets who he is every other Thanksgiving.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Rockstar Ninja Fried Chicken Salesman

Have you ever heard some describe themselves as the ‘ninja of…’?  Usually this moniker belongs to someone in sales or real-estate, but ironically enough never of martial arts.  I mean do you think Daniel-son ever said to a future employer or girlfriend…’I am the ninja of karate’?  So why would telling me you are the ‘ninja of industrial vacuum and power mop sales for the upper Ohio/lower Michigan area’ hold any value.  In fact I would venture to guess that actual ninjas will soon rally together for N.I.N.J.A., for you uniformed, that is the National Independent Ninja Jokes Action committee. 
I will assume that the association will go largely unnoticed except for an uptick in the disappearance of overzealous sales professionals defaming the good name of ninjas across the globe.  Honestly I don’t even think the term makes any sense.  Isn’t a ninja someone that runs around unnoticed killing at will?  Why would I want a real estate agent that I never see, but one day I wake to find out I am a home owner?  Just as equally I don’t want a ‘rock star’ salesmen for fear that they will get really loaded, try and have sex with me, then puke all over my shoes and all I get is a shitty swivel chair.  So my suggestion is this, leave the super stealthy secret shit to ninjas, and the wild and crazy crap to the rock stars.  For all my sales professional friends, try being the colonel sanders of sales, after all that dude sold the crap out of some chicken.