Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Facebook secret code...fake code.

Bring me tickle me Elmo or the wrath of God will come upon you and your family! Ok, the lady I saw at Target today wasn’t that bad, but I thought she was a minute away from pimp slapping the Target employee that said they were sold out of some toy. The women argued that two days ago she was told they had ‘plenty’ and couldn’t understand how now they have NONE! It was like a five year old trying to understand how Marty Mcfly could interrupt the time space continuum. Hell, I still don’t get it.

So I decided that this woman needed to be gently introduced to a little something called equally irrational. I followed her to the checkout line where she was still venting about the incompetent target employees to someone on the phone. After she got off the phone I pretended to take a phone call that had some crucial secret information. Taking careful note of the woman’s age (45 or so) and her failed attempt to be trendy I knew I needed to hit her where it counts, her inflated sense of herself.

The fictional one way phone conversation went like this…’Honey, what was that secret password posted on facebook to get the 50% off discount at Target? So you are telling me all I have to say is “I am a secret santa shopper”? So If I say ‘I am a secret santa shopper I will get 50%’? Its 3:55pm so the deal is only good for 5 more minutes, I better hurry’. Hook line and sinker…bitch.

I then snuck out of line and took up a great viewing point a lane over and just watched the awesomeness unfold. So she tells the check out women the ‘secret code’ and she just looks at the lady like she is nuts. Once the total comes the woman starts to question why she isn’t getting the facebook secret code discount. I am about to pee my pants. After a minute of bewilderment the cashier calls over a manager. The manager tries to explain to the woman that they have never run a promo anything like that. But I am the ‘secret santa shopper damn it’. About ten minutes go by before the humiliated woman storms out and the employees and surrounding customers get a good chuckle ‘no I am the secret santa shopper, no I am!’

You have been irrationalized.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

The Middle Finger

Where are we as a society with the hand gesture,’ the middle finger’?  Collectively we need to determine the proper use and frequency that is acceptable for ‘the bird’.  This all started today when a fellow motorist was trying to make a right hand turn out of the middle lane instead of the right lane like a normal human being.  The pedestrians in the street caused him to come to a complete stop in the middle of the intersection.  I honked and tried to drive around him, he gave me the bird.  Not cool. 
I have been flicked off, given the bird, flipped the middle finger, and once the middle finger salute.  While in the car and several times in person, once over the phone and twice via text message.  Sometimes with a smile, many times with a F you, but never with a side of a cheeseburger (read my blog and you will understand how hysterical and poignant this joke is).  My problem is sometimes the finger is a ‘hello I hear you’ and sometimes it is an ‘I am going to hunt you down in the woods like a wild pig and serve you to my family this holiday’.  There has to be a scale at which we can properly measure the intent or intensity of said finger. 
For me, the finger is my old school salute to a poor soul that would never appreciate a witty tongue lashing.  I mean have you ever shot a 65 year old man the bird?  They go nuts!  You have to give it a shot.  Next time you get cut off by a Buick drive up next to the guy and smile and give him the old school finger (don’t get fancy with the thumb out to the side) just the single finger, smile and stare.  Then get the hell out of their cause dude is about to blow his lid for having been in a shitty marriage for 30 years, never blowing Nam off the map and Connecticut letting to dudes get married.    

Holy Cow, there is a blog dedicated just to the finger....http://flipthatbird.com/

Monday, December 13, 2010

Smell my Holiday Cheer

Per usual, an excellent experience in Starbucks this morning brings me to my computer this morning filled with wistful words longing for understanding of my fellow human beings.  Call it chronic ignorance, but this holiday season has neither educated my neighbors on manners nor bestowed upon them an appreciation of personal space.  My wish this Christmas is for all mankind to gather together hand and hand, arm and arm, side by side and pull your collective heads out of your asses.
Cold and tired I was anxiously waiting in line to order my Grande Americano when suddenly there was someone behind me, right behind me.  It wasn’t that I saw her come up behind me, rather I was pummeled by the overwhelming stench of Bath and Body Works stripper body spray #4, ‘fresh privates’.  Every time I tried to take a step forward or sideways she was right behind me, my stinky little shadow.  Turning my head side to side to try and get a peak at my current adversary, she dodged my glare like a squirrel in a dog cage.  I kept trying to sneak forward to stay away from her, but I just couldn’t lose her.  I was about to give up hope and suffer miserably for the next 60 to 120 seconds, and then I had an idea…beat her at her own game, fight dirty and teach this close stander a lesson.  So I farted.  That’s right, I farted.  I practically farted right on her hand she was so close.
When I finally turned around to view my foe (now several steps back) I was surprised to see she was an attractive woman about my age.  I winked, she was not amused. 

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

I want to kiss Dave Thomas on the face.

Let me tell you why Wendy's is awesome.  It is the $0.99 Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger.  Now let me tell you why Wendy's is the most magical place on earth. 

It happened just a few days ago on a very snowy Chicago winter day.  No, really I am not saying this just for dramatic effect, it was really coming down.  It has little to do with why Wendy's is spectacular, I just think it helps set the stage for the amount of awesomeness that was about to happen.  As I was pondering what would accompany my Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger I noticed that you could order a half salad which then came with several options of sides.  It seemed like a pretty reasonable idea.  Bottle of water, small soda, French fries, frosty, double cheeseburger...wait what?  Are you telling me I can order a small salad and get a side of double cheeseburger?  Dave Thomas, I know you can hear me.  Offering a double cheeseburger as a 'side' is genius.  You tease me from the grave, you burger billionaire. 

Monday, December 6, 2010

Why 3-D movies have ruined my life.

Admittedly I have only seen one 3-D movie, Clash of the Titans, and I was mildly impressed and slightly annoyed with having to wear the glasses for two hours.  The 3-D movie phenomenon has now exploded and there are rumors that they are remaking Monster-In-Law in 3-D so we can all see J-Lo’s ass in its full glory.   Amazingly, none of this has contributed to the ruining of my life.
So you are very confused on why I hate 3-D movies, in fact it isn’t 3-D movies at all that have tormented me so.  Rather it is a secondary term that has been developed to describe non 3-D movies…wait for it…here it comes…Regular D.  That’s right, we are calling all normally produced and viewed movies, Regular D.
Now maybe it is my background in art that has me all tied up, but I believe the term for this is actually 2-D.  But no, this term is clearly not PC or savvy enough to describe a movie so we had to make up some nonsense word that causes sharp pains behind my eyes every time I hear it.  I bet to make it even more hip and cool the spell Regular D all funky so the kids like it.  Reg-You-Lar DEE!

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Put Fluffy Down!

Put Fluffy in the back freakin seat!  I swear if I see one more person driving around with their stupid dog in their lap I will throw a squeaky toy across the street so your dog jumps out of the window at 60 mph.  NOTHING, I repeat NOTHING good can come from you having your dog in your lap while driving.  You know I don’t really care about your safety, but I do care for my own and somehow I think trying to make a left hand turn through an intersection with one hand on your dog is a dumb move.  In all honesty I care more about the well being of your dog than you because it isn’t their fault you are a dumbass.
You will argue that your dog is small and doesn’t get in your way, bullshit.  And if your dog is that small, then wouldn’t they fit perfectly one the floor or even…on the seat next to you?  The most offensive occurrence is when I see someone with their dog in their lap and someone sitting in the passenger seat, or even worse two kids sitting the back.  You would think that the extra set of hands would be perfect to hold your dumb dog and focus on driving, but a guess a moment with an excited dog in your lap is more important than your children’s safety.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Would you walk already!

I really can’t believe it has come to this, but let’s have a conversation on how to walk across the street. Shit, a chicken can do it for no good reason, yet perfectly ‘intelligent’ people cannot seem to grasp the obviously over simple concept of not walking in front of a moving car.
Tip number one. If the sign says don’t walk…DON’T FREAKING WALK!
Crazy idea number two. Try to cross the street in dedicated street crossing areas to avoid littering the street with dead bodies.
About to blow your mind concept number three. Look up before you cross the street. WOW!
And to round it off to an even four. Please do not ‘creep’ into the street anticipating the walk sign. You are standing five feet off the curb in the middle of my lane in order to get some sort of 1 second head start, but mean while I cannot make a right turn. I obviously honk at you and try to wave you back on the sidewalk, at which point you give me the bird.
See the problem is that while yes you might be able to scurry across the street without making me slow down, the 300 lbs lady behind you has a flash back to the good old days where she could hop skip and jump like a cat. Well sorry Garfield, you aint going anywhere quick these days and now I have to wait on your poky ass.
Stand. Wait. Watch. Walk.
Wait one more thing. If you are going to cross illegally, f@cking run your ass across the street. This slow step waddle is unacceptable. Let’s move folks!

Monday, November 22, 2010

Forget safety, we need cash.

I recently heard a news report that a Chicago suburb is disappointed in the money that they have (not) received from red light cameras.  After only generating $30,000 in the second year of operation the city did an audit of the program and equipment and found some disturbing information.
The results of the study revealed that the lack of revenue was due to driver’s increase awareness of the red light cameras and have become more diligent in stopping at the light.  While to the average citizen this may seem like wonderful news, you would be wrong.   Elected officials of the township declared the red light program a failure that cost the city nothing expect for a few minutes at a couple of city council meetings.
Since hearing these findings I have decide to do a little audit of my own to determine a few other programs that might be cut due to their epic failures.  First the fire department was found to not actually stop fires from starting but they are only able to put them out once a blaze.  Program ended.  Second, the school system.  It seems that the average student only goes to school for 12 years and their program to provide subpar education in hopes of keeping students in the schools longer has failed.  While some students have made the effort to repeat grades most students still try and leave as quickly as possible.  Program cut.  Lastly, sewers and sanitation.  Well let’s just say I found out it is a bunch of shit.  Program cut.
In other news, I will be running for public office very soon.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

The most valuable lesson.

I saw a lady at the store today, two parking spots away from the shopping cart return, aimlessly push her cart towards the cart return.  Instead of doing the right thing and pushing the cart into the front of the hopper she just heaved the cart to the side of the return. The cart now rested clearly on the parking spot next to the return. She then hurriedly jumped into her car, but did not speed off. Instead she took a minute to fix her makeup, which gave me just enough time to enact my plan.

I grabbed the cart and pushed it behind her car and knocked on the window pointing to the car "watch out for your cart". She jumped out of the car and looked puzzled realizing there was no way that her cart could have traveled uphill 20 feet to rest there. It hit her that I put it there (I was shocked she figured it out so quickly). "What the fuck did you do that for?" "Well I saw that you had trouble putting this away right the first time so I thought I would give you a second chance, yea!  Think of it like a shopping cart bonus round.  Double points."  "You're an asshole"  "Now that you got right the first time" A comment that for some reason I felt needed to be followed up with a double thumbs up.  I almost started laughing as she pushed the cart right back to the same place she had before and stomped back into her car.

Now you might be thinking that i accomplished nothing, but I disagree.  Consider this.  How much time did she save by not putting this away properly the first time?  Let’s say ten seconds.  How much time do you think she wasted yelling at me?  Forty seconds.  By my math I just got a free 30 seconds of entertainment and you got the five best minutes of your day reading this blog.  And something tells me she will get it right the next time...if nothing else for the bonus points.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

I fought the law and the law...screwed me.

Some enlightening information.
Did you know it was called jay walking and not gay walking? This is a lot less offensive.
Also, the term is armed robbery not alarmed robbery. It seemed weird that you would only get in trouble for steeling stuff if you set off an alarm, but I still think it leaves too much wiggle room for some crooks. For example ninjas. They could rob someone by just kicking them and never using their arms. Loop hole.
As if we need more proof that men are more important, there is only a law against manslaughter not womanslaughter.

How much different would the world be if the first pervert ever caught was named Bill instead of Tom? Peeping Bill just doesn’t have the same ring to it.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010


Some birds don’t fly, but a few fish and several mammals can. Some birds can float, but a floating fish is usually dead.
A penguin has wings and can’t fly, but it can swim and walk on land. Otters also walk on land and are great swimmers but don’t have wings. A duck-billed platypus doesn’t have wings, walks on land and swims but can’t fly, but has a beak.
Some squirrels have wings and some don’t. None of them can fly, but they all are annoying.
Turtles and alligators lay their eggs on land but live in water most of the time. Toads lay their eggs in water but only live on land.
And then there are humans, don’t even get me started.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Let's Talk Turkey

Let’s just run the gauntlet here to get this week kicked off right.
Thanksgiving.  It is the holiday between Christmas and Halloween, so calm the F down Target.
Miley Cyrus got caught drinking a Corona while in Spain and the whole country (U.S.) is shocked.  Really?  You are surprised to hear that an offspring of Billy Ray Cyrus is drinking underage?  I am more shocked that the beer was in a bottle and not a tall boy can.  Miley, you lost me.
Have you heard of this movie For Colored Girls?  I was kind of pissed when I heard the name of this movie, immediately thinking there is no way we could get away with making a movie called White Chicks.  Then I realized there is a movie called White Chicks and it is about two black dudes.  Now I don’t know what to think.  I need to do some more research, starting with Miss Black America.
Pirates.  These guys just don’t know when enough is enough.
I haven’t had bacon in over a month and its killing me.  Stupid high cholesterol.  And don’t you dare tell me to try Turkey bacon, that is just plain horrible. 
This just in, the Happy Meal is not good for you.  Thank you U.S. government for your diligent work.
I need bacon.