Monday, May 24, 2010

Some Randomness that Drives me Crazy!

I just saw the doucheiest thing ever. Vanity license plate “BMW 32”. I know you are driving a BMW by the fact that your car is a BMW. All your license plate tells me is there are 31 people more innovative than you.

Watching the check out lady at the grocery store was like watching a five year old try and figure out Perez Hilton. I will give her credit for one thing; she did manage to get the eggs on the bottom of one of the bags, fhew!

Have you ever had someone use an acronym like LOL or BTW and then explain to you what the saying means? Even worse is when they get it wrong…”Lots of Luck, LOL”. Idiots.
I think I am going to start making up my own meanings for these acronyms. Like lol will now mean lots of laughing instead of laugh out loud. The down side to doing this is that no one will know that I have totally changed the face of modern acronyms unless I tell them.

I love farting on planes. It is so loud no one will ever hear you and you can knock out like 30 at a time and everyone will blame the fat guy three rows up. (Stay tuned for my list of top 5 best places to fart)

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Shut the Hell Up!

Do you remember the last time you heard a really good whistler? I mean a co-worker, friend or even a stranger on the street that could belt out a ditty that made you want to get up and dance? Yeah I thought that was a no, and you want to know why? Whistling sucks. It works on the occasional stray dog, or floozy walking down the beach in Panama City, but provides no actual musical benefit.

I am sure someone with the musical prowess of John Mayer or that guy from Hooty and the Blow Fish have rocked out a mean whistle solo in the middle of a killer concert in Central Park…”I was just really feeling the special moment a felt that a ten minute whistle solo was exactly what the moment called for”. The worst is when you are in the audience holding up your lighter three Coors Lights deep trying to whistle along to a random Star Spangled Banner solo in the middle of Margaritaville. Or even better when you are having a shit ass day at work and someone kicks into the Devil Went Down to Georgia and every time you get up to find out who it is they stop. It goes on for half the day until finally you yell…’would you stop whistling already!’ Only to realize later it was your boss and now somehow you are the dick.

So do everyone a favor and keep your whistling to yourself, and any blonde with fake…

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Unicorn Rainbow

A few nights ago I was enjoying a nice dinner with a group a friends, the evening was wonderful. The drinks were flowing, the food was great and the conversations were top notch. Nothing out of the ordinary, your standard conversations discussing the technical merits of shredded vs. leaf lettuce and whether a unicorn would let you ride it (of course it wouldn’t, what a majestic beast). We were nearing the end of the meal when things took a dark turn. The waiter was placing deserts in front of each guest when in front of me was placed the most delicious peach cobbler with vanilla mouse. “And sir you peach cobbler with Vanilla mouse, I hope you find this refreshing”. Before I knew what was going on I was vigorously rubbing handfuls of this ambrosia into my armpits, across my chest and…in other places. Of course my dinner mates were horrified and managed to snap me out of this daze, ‘what are you doing’? It took me a second to realize what was going on, but then I had a flash back to earlier that morning when I was in the shower rubbing that exact same smell all over my body, the difference being that was Dove body lotion not a delicious sugary (and sticky) desert.

I am sure this happens to people all the time, so it isn’t that embarrassing I am just worried about where this trend of fanciful soap fragrances are taking us as a society. I have walked the grocery store aisles and seen the bounty of nasal delights that the big soap companies are offering, but I think I am the only one asking ‘who is going to keep these tallow engineers from taking over the world?’ Today it’s peach cobbler vanilla mouse body scrub, waterfall moon beam face lotion, and rainbow rocket ship hand lotion. But tomorrow its evening take over your government, fresh join the army, and wild do what your wife tells you. And yeah, I will buy them because they make me smell like a forest nymph, but it’s what they will make me do the rest of the day that really scares me. You try getting peach cobbler out of your ass crack.

Suddenly I have an urge to jump into a lemon scented waterfall in the hills of the Rocky mountains, damn you dawn dish soap.