Friday, August 13, 2010

The Magic Man

It’s something you never thought you would see, one of those truly magical moments in your life that will forever change the way you see the world.  It is the monkey riding a unicorn over a double rainbow moment that may never be repeated.  A sight so fantastical your mind can not grasp its reality and you fear that people will not believe your mystical tale of wonderment.  There are a few people that will find themselves in this position and decide that the foreseeable ridicule is far outweighed by the hope of shared enlightenment…and it just so happens that I am one of those people and if you read on you will join me in an adventure of epic proportions.   
I would ask you to close your eyes, but you wouldn’t be able to read the following.  So just squint a little so that the words are fuzzy but you can still read them, but it is almost like you have your eyes closed.  Or option two, close one eye completely leaving the second eye open to read on.  (Note:  I do not believe the allure of this story will be dampened in any way whether you decide to keep both eyes totally open or try one of the above mentioned ocular tricks.  Furthermore if you decide on option two, I think the ecstasy will be the same if you do right eye open left eye closed as if you try right eye closed left eye open.)
It was a Monday morning in Chicago, the sight was fleeting but clear.  A man, maybe in his late twenties, walked by my building on his way to the train wearing white Nike tennis shoes, grey pleated slacks, black leather woven belt, white short sleeved button down and a yellow and brown stripped tie.  If it wasn’t for his Jansport book bag I might assume that Halloween came early, but this gentleman had no desire to bring enjoyment and laughter to the world through playful irony.  Instead what he did, and by accident none the less, was change the very fabric of professional attire till the end of time.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

These people make me look like a genius.

Disclaimer: Adam Robert Miller might be one of the world's worst grammatical practitioners, highlighted by his inability to spell simple words that come up in everyday conversations.

I hate people that can't spell. Well it's more that I hate people that can spell but chose to play chinese finger trap game with the simplest words in the english language that not even I could misspell. This disdain for the blatant plundering of our dear language came to a head today when I heard a radio ad for a charity program called 'Cars for Kids'. What wonderful idea, you can donate your car (or so the ad says) so that the disadvantaged youth of america can be shuttled around to soccer practice, cheerleading camp and have a viable mode of transportation to and from the planned parenthood office. It was my understanding that these disadvantages were hefty enough that my vehicle donation would make a significant impact on their lives and they would go on to became valuable members of our society. Then the ad gave me their telephone number to call...'1-800-K-A-R-S-F-O-R-K-I-D-S'. Wait a second..."K" A-R-S for kids? I know that there is no such thing as audio spell check, but this seems like a glaring mistake that someone should have caught before they hired Walter Brimley away for the mega giant Quaker Oatmeal. It was then that they repeated the name over and over again to the point that I realized that this was some brainiac's genius idea to purposely misspell 'cars'. It was then I decided to take action, these people needed my help. I wrote down the address and started making a list of all the things I could donate to this wonderful organization and here is said list.

1. Not my car
2. Spelling Flash cards.

If these asstards can't figure how to spell CARS, they have no business driving a car! I would encourage "Kars for Kids" to partner with the below list of companies to review these flash cards together before reaching out to the public again.

1. Krispy Kreme (an amazing product, but a blatant disregard for human life)
2. Tastee Freeze
3. Flickr

Bonus...How many words did I misspell in this post?