Monday, December 19, 2011

I am a sexy man.

I am a sexy son of a bitch. With my smoky blue eyes, thick dirty blonde hair and six pack abs, my sex appeal is undeniable. The proof? Have you seen my wife? She is smoking hot, so there is no way a lady like that marries a turd. We don’t even have to discuss my dazzling personality, expertise in the bedroom (or wherever my wife chooses to indulge in my goose bump inspiring touch) or startling ability to combine intelligence with humor. Sexy stare, subtle bounce of the eyebrows and a pouting of the lips, you are helpless.
Now that we have established my desirability I want to tell you what I have recently discovered that could potentially bring all of this to a screeching halt. Men don’t look sexy in the same outfits that women look sexy wearing. I am not talking about cross dressing here, even though that too is the case, but rather the potentially innocent outfit that bridges the gap from shower to fully dressed or transitioning from work to casual attire. Let’s call them accidental outfits. In order to preserve my delusions of erotica I have removed the following outfits from my wardrobe while simultaneously requesting these be worn by my wife at least once a week.
1. Dress shirt and no pants or underwear. Seeing flashes of my manhood bounce in and out of the shirt tails is not hot.
2. Black dress socks and white underwear. Need I explain?
3. Hoodie sweater shirt and underwear. It makes me look like a perverted Unabomber.
4. Just socks. Heads up fellas, put your boxers on first out of the shower.
5. An open robe. Now you see me now you don’t and peek a boo are equally disgusting phrases used to enhance this attire.
6. Naked.
7. Shoes without pants on, specifically dress shoes.
I will attempt to keep the transitional content in the house to a minimum specifically cut out the “Risky Business” move making the transition from clothed to naked as hidden as possible and I suggest you do the same.

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