What is that smell?

I am getting really tired of hearing inspirational/ motivational stories from used car sales men trying to pitch a book or DVD about taking advantage of life and making millions. All these people have ever been successful at is preying on the fragile emotions and bank accounts of the lower middle class. The stories all start the same…as a young boy in grade school I was stricken with a horrible case of fartenhousen disease. Every day after lunch my condition would flare up, the farts were uncontrollable. The pungent odor would permeate the class room, kids became ill from the stench many would faint, some would vomit and for others the odors would cause instantaneous flatulence causing the room to be filled with unconscious children, vomit and noxious odors. The pain and humiliation was horrible. For years the kids called me terrible names ‘Sir Farts’, ‘Mr Smelly’ and the worst ‘King Stinks’. I tried to hide by going off to college, but the names, and stink followed me wherever I went. It wasn’t until years later when I got into the real estate business that I found a place I could truly be myself. In new homes every day I was able to blame my farts and the smell on the previous real estate agent, and I could be myself, farting at will with no fear. After years of hard work I have establish a reputation for being the best real estate agent in town, making a million dollars a year. I look back on all those kids that used to barf and make fun of me and they are nothing compared to me. And you know what? Now when they smell a horrible fart they don’t barf or try and light a match, they breathe it in, long deep breathes and think about the most successful real estate agent in middle southwest Mississippi. King Farts? I don’t think so…King Real Estate.

Cellulite Body Suits

I know I am asking too much for you to follow simple instructions. I know I am asking too much for you to have a little bit of fashion sense, and by God I know I am just crazy for hoping you would not act like a complete douche bag at the gym, but let me help you solve all of these problems with one simple phrase. “It is called UNDER ARMOR not on top of/ only/ or just wear this armor.” The idea is remarkably simple, so simple you would think you wouldn’t need instructions on how to use the product (we have all worn shirts before), but as a precautionary measure the good people at the manufacturing plant decided to tell you exactly how to use the product in the name. A simple fact that many of you have managed to miss and it is causing a pandemic of such epic proportions I suggest we raise the national security threat to red.


Here are five tips to wearing under armor that will keep you from looking like a complete dumbass.

1. If you are not ripped and working out with a professional sports team wear something over your under armor.

2. See rule 1

3. See rule 1

4. See rule 1

5. See rule 1
You don’t see people walking around with hotdogs on their heads, or cups over their hands…a remarkable feat considering the products aren’t named ‘for eating’ and ‘for holding and consuming liquids’, but yet a huge portion of the population is miss using a product with built in instructions. Of course I would not have such a problem with this if it were beautiful women running around with skin tight clothing, but that isn’t further from the truth. They might as well have called the product, beer gut accentuator, giant ass sling, or the arm pit stain elaborator. The only thing worse than having to endure an hour on the treadmill behind a 300 lbs sweat drenched ass crack, is the fact that now people don’t even bring a change a of clothes to the gym and proceed to spend the rest of the day in this cellulite body suit.

PS And it is called a mock turtle neck because everyone is mocking you for wearing it.

Women are Stupid

Women are so stupid they are all looking for my phone number or email address right now to rip me apart and they don’t even know why. See the problem with women is they keep clamoring to be seen as equals to men, but honestly I think they are setting the bar way too low. I really have no idea how we got the upper hand a few thousand years ago and managed to stay at the top so long, but I am ready to hand over the controls and let them run this place for a while. I would think you would set your sights a little higher than being equal to us, but if that is the best you can think of, good luck. Must I remind you of some of the more idiotic things we have done…Adam ate the apple, some general fell for the Trojan horse trick, David Bowe invented the mullet, and did you ever see the movie Catwomen?

In the annals of time, important leading men have done some monumentally stupid things, and catching the rightful blame for most of these blunders. This is why I really don’t understand why so many women want to take these jobs from men. Let’s take a job like the presidency for example. Do you realize that 39 out of the 44 presidents of the United States have died? Seems like a pretty dangerous job. Forget crab fishing. That’s only a 12% survival rate! Why would you want that job? You would have to be stupid to want this job.

My last point on the matter is me. You probably think I am pretty stupid right about now, right? I mean how dumb do I have to be to write something like this when I know my wife and mother are going to read this, and I agree with you…DUMB! But here is the thing, you want to be seen as equals with men, yet it is men who are the only ones stupid enough to do something like this. So here is how I see it…

Women=Men        Men=Stupid       Therefore     Women=Stupid

Come on ladies, aim higher!

Nut Cancer, The Redheaded Step Child

I would venture to guess that breast cancer (or just cancer in general) is a horrible thing to go through. But if I am being completely honest here, I find cancer really annoying…and I have never had it! As you know by now breast cancer gets a month entirely to itself where women across the world get to wear pink shirts and walk arm and arm and talk about…well, BOOBS!

The annoying part…where is ball cancer month? I mean can you imagine 100,000 men walking down the street arm and arm talking about their balls? Outside of a gay pride parade, I think most people would find this annoying. I can see it now, Bon Jovi walking down the street with a giant scrotum hat on, fist pumping and singing…”Disease in my balls and you're to blame, cancer you give nuts a bad name”. I just don’t think a rally like this would get the same support as a parade of women wearing a shirt that says ‘I love my breasts”. Yes ma’am, I love them too.

See, an excuse to look at Reese Witherspoon's breasts, she is even pointing at them in case you don't know where they are.  Not as cool if that was Clint Eastwood in a speedo.  So thanks for sucking cancer, I hate you.

Pterodactyl attack.

There are all sorts of hand holding techniques, the simple cup, the more intimate interlocking fingers, or my personal hell the one finger hold. What are you trying to accomplish here? Are you afraid of getting lost, or dragged away by a pterodactyl on your way from the car to the grocery? You can hold hands in the movie theater, but it really makes eating popcorn really hard. (Once I got my head stuck in the popcorn tub) All you are really accomplishing is a through transfer of germs.

The worst hand holding is what I refer to as the circus elephant. Think back to that dorky couple in high school that was always holding hands. The girl was much more excited about the concept so in protest the guy would walk slower so it looked as if the girl was dragging the guy down the hallway. Her arm stretched back and his forward, trunk to tail leading the way. There are small nuances to hand hold besides just your general technique. Firmness of grip, the occasional hand squeeze (yup I am still here just in case your hand went numb), whether you are going to swing hands while you walk, and determining who is the lead (back to the circus elephant analogy). And lastly who is going to lose their dominant hand? I mean if I have to walk around only using my left hand to get things off shelves or press elevator buttons, I am at a serious disadvantage. And just think what would happen if that pterodactyl did show up, trying fighting off that bugger with your left hand because your right hand is locked in a finger wrapped, extra tight hand swinging nightmare while she is trying to run away and you are trying to fight. No thanks. I am going to keep both hands free thank you very much.

Welcome All Weirdos!

I love craigslist, but not just because I have found it terribly helpful in my pursuit of purchasing cheap goods, or finding gainful employment. In fact it has never helped me with any of that, in fact I find the site to be quite horrible for all of those things. (hence sitting at home right now and not working) But I still love craigslist because you can be the freakiest nasty whack job out there and as long as you put a little black square over your eyes as you take a picture of yourself in the mirror, butt ass naked, with a boa constrictor around your neck while a clown makes pancakes in the background…it’s all good. All of these nay sayers claim craigslist is nothing but a forum for prostitution, no shit, where have you been for the past 10 years?


For God’s sake there is a section for men who used to be women looking for women who used to be a man, that is amazing! You want to find someone that likes wearing shirts as pants and socks for hats…they are on there.

You know it is hard enough for an average male in his mid 20’s to find a normal chick to fall in love with, and there are thousands of options out there. So I say; carry on craigslist. Help the freaks of the world find each other, the lonely dungeons and dragons middle aged men pay for the occasional date, and for soccer moms to find a few nice women to start a Harry Potter book club (then get freaky with a jar of mayo and a hot glue gun).

I miss Jared

“Chips and a drink?”
“No thanks, just the sandwich.”
“That will be $7.85.”
“Shouldn’t that be $5.00?”

“No, this is a premium footlong, it’s not $5.00.”

“Interesting."

Now I know I am no marketing expert, but something seems a little off here. When I use to pitch design concepts to clients we would highlight the most important parts of the designs. I can never remember a meeting where I said ‘every plant we used is an evergreen’ when clearly 25% of the plan contained non evergreen trees. Maybe if I just make the statement often and loud enough they won’t realize that oak trees are deciduous, and the daisies will not bloom all winter, but then in tiny little letters at the bottom write ‘I have no idea what plants are in this plan and what they might look like in the winter’. People aren’t this dumb to think this would be a good idea…or are they?

Apparently an ass ton of people of at Subway are this dumb. They have decided to come up with an ad campaign that screams at us how ANY (ANY) footlong is $5.00. Which ones? ANYONE! Any, it is a really confusing word to some, so I have to assume they were just given some bad information on the definition of ‘any’. To most of the English speaking world, this would mean that no matter what footlong sandwich you order at a Subway, it will cost you $5.00. To Subway, ‘any’ means a select group that is defined in individual stores.

So I applaud you Subway for trying to single handedly trying to reinvent the English language one bad ad campaign at a time. Bring back Jared.