Assvention

I have an update to my last post. I thought I had seen it all, I thought I had reached the pinnacle of laziness and made it back alive and then Wednesday happened.




I was walking by a sandwich shop and noticed a cashier sitting in a chair struggling to reach the register. I thought to myself…’Why doesn’t she just get a stool the height would be better and she could reach just fine and still sit down?’ I looked over at the other two empty registers and saw two stools. No way. No way is she that lazy that she wouldn’t walk the five feet to get a stool. Wait a second; those stools have arm rests on them. Then looking back at the cashier I realize that her ass is entirely too large to fit within constraints of that stool.

Here is where I have to give her some credit. She obviously realized she couldn’t fit in that stool, so her only option to be a lazy ass was to drag a chair over from the dining room. Then she got creative. Obviously ONE chair was way too short to reach the register, so she figured out that she could stack two chairs on top of each other to add a few inches. In honor of her creativity to be a lazy fat ass, I am giving her this month’s Assvention award of excellence. Cheers fatty!

What Came First, The Fat or the Stool?

So I guess it is time to offend some people. I will not apologize for stating the obvious, and do suggest that if you are offended by what I am about to say you need to drop a few pounds.


As many of you know I have been working retail the past several weeks, the location will remain nameless to protect the innocent, and my job. Some of my shifts last as long as nine hours, all of which are spent on my feet. At no time am I allowed, let alone given, a stool to sit on between helping customers…or worse while helping a customer. We all saw the trouble George Costanza got into by getting a rocking chair for his security guard friend.

Let the offending beginning…Who the hell thinks it is a good idea to give the cashiers at Target stools to sit on while ringing up guests? I watched in horror the first time as the cashier struggled to reach for the bottle of Tide that was inches out of her reach. You would think that standing up would have been an easy solution, but instead I watched for seconds as she tried to lean further and further just barely able to touch the bottle with her fingers. Then the worst part, she stopped, leaned under the register and grabbed a hanger to use as a hooking device to lure the bottle closer. Finally dragging the bottle to her she was so out of breath I considered calling for help.

Now you might say…’Well Adam, maybe she has a medical condition that she can’t stand’. I considered this and was maybe willing to let her off the hook, until her manager came by and told her she could go on break. You would have thought she was about to finish the 100 yard dash with as fast as she moved. She was in line at the Target snack shop before I had put all my bags into my cart.

So yes, she probably does have some medical condition that makes it hard for her to stand…it’s called being obese. The frightening part is all three cashiers in the express lane looked the same. I wonder if that physical demeanor is a prerequisite for the job. The real question is what came first…the fat or the stool? If you give someone an excuse, no doubt they are going to take it…Yeah America!