A few nights ago I was enjoying a nice dinner with a group a friends, the evening was wonderful. The drinks were flowing, the food was great and the conversations were top notch. Nothing out of the ordinary, your standard conversations discussing the technical merits of shredded vs. leaf lettuce and whether a unicorn would let you ride it (of course it wouldn’t, what a majestic beast). We were nearing the end of the meal when things took a dark turn. The waiter was placing deserts in front of each guest when in front of me was placed the most delicious peach cobbler with vanilla mouse. “And sir you peach cobbler with Vanilla mouse, I hope you find this refreshing”. Before I knew what was going on I was vigorously rubbing handfuls of this ambrosia into my armpits, across my chest and…in other places. Of course my dinner mates were horrified and managed to snap me out of this daze, ‘what are you doing’? It took me a second to realize what was going on, but then I had a flash back to earlier that morning when I was in the shower rubbing that exact same smell all over my body, the difference being that was Dove body lotion not a delicious sugary (and sticky) desert.
I am sure this happens to people all the time, so it isn’t that embarrassing I am just worried about where this trend of fanciful soap fragrances are taking us as a society. I have walked the grocery store aisles and seen the bounty of nasal delights that the big soap companies are offering, but I think I am the only one asking ‘who is going to keep these tallow engineers from taking over the world?’ Today it’s peach cobbler vanilla mouse body scrub, waterfall moon beam face lotion, and rainbow rocket ship hand lotion. But tomorrow its evening take over your government, fresh join the army, and wild do what your wife tells you. And yeah, I will buy them because they make me smell like a forest nymph, but it’s what they will make me do the rest of the day that really scares me. You try getting peach cobbler out of your ass crack.
Suddenly I have an urge to jump into a lemon scented waterfall in the hills of the Rocky mountains, damn you dawn dish soap.
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