Irrational lesson in pre road rage

I might have missed the point on why student drivers are in cars with giant signs “Bill’s Driving School”. For years it was my impression that these signs were in place to test the experience of said driving students. Whether in car, on foot or even on bike, I would investigate the skills of these young operators in essence asking “are you ready to be all alone in this crazy world?” I don’t mean are you ready to drive alone, are you ready to be alone? Just you, the road, 5,000lbs of metal and a sea of humanity ready to make you miserable. If you cant handle life behind the wheel of a car in Chicago it might be time for you to pack it in and get a job at the local movie theater. (offense to theater employees intended, those people creep me out). Upon finding one of these lost souls, my vehicle becomes a purveyor of life’s little lessons, a rogue monk teaching the spirituality of ignorance, a charging bull in the cattle call of the morning rush hour.
I will wait that extra moment at a green light enticing the doe eyed driver to reach for that horn. I will go out of turn at a four way stop and honk my horn and flip them off. As a pedestrian I will aimlessly cross the street forcing young Billy to wait patiently while cars angrily honk behind him. While on my bike I will ride as close as I can to his driver side window until his knuckles turn so white the blood might not ever return. For the fortunate few that encounter me on the streets feel privileged. The fearful fleeting moments we shared on the road has given you a taste on what life has to offer, pure uninspiring stupidity. Welcome.

Forget safety, we need cash.

I recently heard a news report that a Chicago suburb is disappointed in the money that they have (not) received from red light cameras.  After only generating $30,000 in the second year of operation the city did an audit of the program and equipment and found some disturbing information.

The results of the study revealed that the lack of revenue was due to driver’s increase awareness of the red light cameras and have become more diligent in stopping at the light.  While to the average citizen this may seem like wonderful news, you would be wrong.   Elected officials of the township declared the red light program a failure that cost the city nothing expect for a few minutes at a couple of city council meetings.

Since hearing these findings I have decide to do a little audit of my own to determine a few other programs that might be cut due to their epic failures.  First the fire department was found to not actually stop fires from starting but they are only able to put them out once a blaze.  Program ended.  Second, the school system.  It seems that the average student only goes to school for 12 years and their program to provide subpar education in hopes of keeping students in the schools longer has failed.  While some students have made the effort to repeat grades most students still try and leave as quickly as possible.  Program cut.  Lastly, sewers and sanitation.  Well let’s just say I found out it is a bunch of shit.  Program cut.

In other news, I will be running for public office very soon.

Women are Stupid

Women are so stupid they are all looking for my phone number or email address right now to rip me apart and they don’t even know why. See the problem with women is they keep clamoring to be seen as equals to men, but honestly I think they are setting the bar way too low. I really have no idea how we got the upper hand a few thousand years ago and managed to stay at the top so long, but I am ready to hand over the controls and let them run this place for a while. I would think you would set your sights a little higher than being equal to us, but if that is the best you can think of, good luck. Must I remind you of some of the more idiotic things we have done…Adam ate the apple, some general fell for the Trojan horse trick, David Bowe invented the mullet, and did you ever see the movie Catwomen?

In the annals of time, important leading men have done some monumentally stupid things, and catching the rightful blame for most of these blunders. This is why I really don’t understand why so many women want to take these jobs from men. Let’s take a job like the presidency for example. Do you realize that 39 out of the 44 presidents of the United States have died? Seems like a pretty dangerous job. Forget crab fishing. That’s only a 12% survival rate! Why would you want that job? You would have to be stupid to want this job.

My last point on the matter is me. You probably think I am pretty stupid right about now, right? I mean how dumb do I have to be to write something like this when I know my wife and mother are going to read this, and I agree with you…DUMB! But here is the thing, you want to be seen as equals with men, yet it is men who are the only ones stupid enough to do something like this. So here is how I see it…

Women=Men        Men=Stupid       Therefore     Women=Stupid

Come on ladies, aim higher!