Smell my Holiday Cheer

Per usual, an excellent experience in Starbucks this morning brings me to my computer this morning filled with wistful words longing for understanding of my fellow human beings.  Call it chronic ignorance, but this holiday season has neither educated my neighbors on manners nor bestowed upon them an appreciation of personal space.  My wish this Christmas is for all mankind to gather together hand and hand, arm and arm, side by side and pull your collective heads out of your asses.

Cold and tired I was anxiously waiting in line to order my Grande Americano when suddenly there was someone behind me, right behind me.  It wasn’t that I saw her come up behind me, rather I was pummeled by the overwhelming stench of Bath and Body Works stripper body spray #4, ‘fresh privates’.  Every time I tried to take a step forward or sideways she was right behind me, my stinky little shadow.  Turning my head side to side to try and get a peak at my current adversary, she dodged my glare like a squirrel in a dog cage.  I kept trying to sneak forward to stay away from her, but I just couldn’t lose her.  I was about to give up hope and suffer miserably for the next 60 to 120 seconds, and then I had an idea…beat her at her own game, fight dirty and teach this close stander a lesson.  So I farted.  That’s right, I farted.  I practically farted right on her hand she was so close.

When I finally turned around to view my foe (now several steps back) I was surprised to see she was an attractive woman about my age.  I winked, she was not amused. 

Adulthood is stupid.

The impetus for this post is a recent visit I had at the doctor’s office.  Before you get all excited, I said impetus not impotence, give me a little credit.  The visit and corresponding behavior left a lot to be desired.  At first I was perplexed by my overwhelming emotional response, but upon breaking down of a little tape have discovered a few key moments that were crucial to my hysteria.  First, and perhaps the most glaring fact, I made a doctor’s appointment when nothing was wrong with me.  I was not sick, I had no injured appendages, or any looming trips to a third world country.  I just had this feeling that I should go for a check up to make sure everything was in the right place.

While at the appointment the doctor (female I might add) informed me that there would be some ‘genital examination’ at the end of the session.  A flash back to a physical of the same nature my freshman year of college was followed by beer drinking and exaggerated stories of getting to third base with my hot doctor.  Now my flash forward was a Lance Armstrong like surgery without all the cool bike riding stuff and money afterwards.  The stripper in the nurse’s outfit will never have the same appeal.

After the downstairs examine I saw the doctor turn and reach for a bottle of what I thought to be lubricant, my mind has never reacted so quickly…”no need to examine anymore doc, I won’t be thirty until next year”.  To which she informed me she was just reaching for the hand sanitizer and my bum was safe for another day.

Lastly was the result of the blood work up…I have slightly high cholesterol.  The response to anyone that knows me well, ‘you probably need to cut down on the cheese intake’.

So a recap, make a doctor’s appointment for no reason.  Get felt up by a female unsolicited and my wife was happier about it than I was.  I suddenly cannot eat cheese by the fistfuls.  And every time I see a girl dressed up as a sluty nurse this Halloween I am sure my ass will pucker up.  I hate adulthood.