Ok ok, it's hot.

Insert obvious statement about how hot it is in Chicago today. Respond with statement about how it is hotter in Arizona right not. Retort with they don’t have the humidity we have right now. Try to end boring conversation with statement about how the lake help keeps the city cool, Phoenix doesn’t have that. Kill the conversation with a reference to the 2011 Blizzard that shut down the city. Become a complete asshole by referencing a blizzard that you were a part of in 1988 in Buffalo that was way worse.
I pulled into a parking spot today and there was a woman sitting in the passenger seat of the car next to me. She was a robust woman and was clutching two ice cream cones. One was almost finished as she took a giant bite out of the cone, but the second one was un touched. Remember…its hot. Immediately after taking a giant bite out of the cone in her left hand, the cone in her right hand caught her attention and her head whipped around. She leans in…eyes get giant…tongue extends…hand moves towards mouth (as to reduce actually moving) and she takes a giant lick…OF HER HAND! I guess some precious ice cream was on the verge of being lost to the heat, but there she was to save the day!
In Subway today there was an employee speaking some Indian language, to which I applaud his intelligence. But someone needs to tell him one of the phrases he uses in his native tongue sounds a lot like ‘maybe I like dick’ in English.

Ready for my massage!

Amaazing!

For months I have been walking by this spa in my neighborhood and they always post weekly specials in their window. Well a few weeks ago they had a poster up for a deal on a couples massage, naturally I was intrigued. The obvious fact about this is that it was going to be a tricky situation to bring up with the little lady. So I went about this very carefully first asking her if she had ever heard of a couples massage, if she ever knew of anyone that had one, and if she thought she would ever be interested. To my surprise she had nothing but great things to say about it so I just let it all out and told her I signed up for one. Man was she excited. I got hugs and kisses and she said that I was the greatest husband ever. I was so freaking pumped I wanted to go right then, and man do I have a kick ass wife! Two days later I walked over to the spa and walked in ready for the best hour of my life. Immediately I saw two people dressed in all black standing behind the counter and just assumed these were the two people that were about to change the way I felt about massages forever.
“Hi, Adam Miller here for my couples massage”. “Ok sir where is the other party that will be joining you today”? “Oh no, just me and my couple. Having some else there would be weird.” “Sir, I believe you don’t know how this works. See a couples massage is when you come in with your wife and you both get a massage at the same time.”

MIND BLOWN!
What the shit? How the hell is this worth double a regular massage? So I have to be in the same room with my wife while Helga, the hot blonde Swedish massage lady, rubs me down all while Hanz, the 6’6” German body builder gets all handsy with my wife? Hell no! What happened to the good old days when a couples massage was a couple of hot Europeans doing a four handed dance on my hot oiled body? What is this world coming to? So I called them liars and told them the sig should say “massage FOR couples”.