I know I am asking too much for you to follow simple instructions. I know I am asking too much for you to have a little bit of fashion sense, and by God I know I am just crazy for hoping you would not act like a complete douche bag at the gym, but let me help you solve all of these problems with one simple phrase. “It is called UNDER ARMOR not on top of/ only/ or just wear this armor.” The idea is remarkably simple, so simple you would think you wouldn’t need instructions on how to use the product (we have all worn shirts before), but as a precautionary measure the good people at the manufacturing plant decided to tell you exactly how to use the product in the name. A simple fact that many of you have managed to miss and it is causing a pandemic of such epic proportions I suggest we raise the national security threat to red.
Here are five tips to wearing under armor that will keep you from looking like a complete dumbass.
1. If you are not ripped and working out with a professional sports team wear something over your under armor.
2. See rule 1
3. See rule 1
4. See rule 1
5. See rule 1
You don’t see people walking around with hotdogs on their heads, or cups over their hands…a remarkable feat considering the products aren’t named ‘for eating’ and ‘for holding and consuming liquids’, but yet a huge portion of the population is miss using a product with built in instructions. Of course I would not have such a problem with this if it were beautiful women running around with skin tight clothing, but that isn’t further from the truth. They might as well have called the product, beer gut accentuator, giant ass sling, or the arm pit stain elaborator. The only thing worse than having to endure an hour on the treadmill behind a 300 lbs sweat drenched ass crack, is the fact that now people don’t even bring a change a of clothes to the gym and proceed to spend the rest of the day in this cellulite body suit.
PS And it is called a mock turtle neck because everyone is mocking you for wearing it.
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