American flag Cheesesteak

All I wanted was a cheese steak, apparently I was asking for too much. As I waited for my number to be called a table ten feet over was being occupied by what I will assume was a professor/ student combo. Someone forgot to tell professor no nuts that he wasn’t in the auditorium and could use his inside voice. Preparing for my meal I surveyed where I would be able to obtain some ketchup to pair with my fries. I found that the only bottle was on the table with professor snuggle farts and I would be forced to engage these two twits. As if the cook knew I was suffering endlessly, he took great care in hand preparing my sandwich, growing, harvesting and cooking the fries from scratch.
The verbal masturbation had reached its climax when the absolute truth was revealed, “President Bush knew Osama wanted to blow up those buildings.” If this dick pleasuring dialog had been caught on tape I am sure even Michael Moore would get a good chuckle. Number 77, that’s me. Here we go. I approached the table and grabbed the ketchup. They turned and shot me a steely glance. I started right in, “hey fellas, so do you think the Packers are going to win it all again this year? That Aaron Rodgers sure can sling a pig skin.” I might as well have been wearing a turban and holding the latest copy of ‘Crash flying a plane for Dummies’. “Well thanks for the free squeeze…of ketchup. Yea America!” I don’t really know why I felt the need to proclaim my patriotism, but it went over well. Well that or the thumbs up just caught them flat footed. USA! USA! USA!

What Came First, The Fat or the Stool?

So I guess it is time to offend some people. I will not apologize for stating the obvious, and do suggest that if you are offended by what I am about to say you need to drop a few pounds.


As many of you know I have been working retail the past several weeks, the location will remain nameless to protect the innocent, and my job. Some of my shifts last as long as nine hours, all of which are spent on my feet. At no time am I allowed, let alone given, a stool to sit on between helping customers…or worse while helping a customer. We all saw the trouble George Costanza got into by getting a rocking chair for his security guard friend.

Let the offending beginning…Who the hell thinks it is a good idea to give the cashiers at Target stools to sit on while ringing up guests? I watched in horror the first time as the cashier struggled to reach for the bottle of Tide that was inches out of her reach. You would think that standing up would have been an easy solution, but instead I watched for seconds as she tried to lean further and further just barely able to touch the bottle with her fingers. Then the worst part, she stopped, leaned under the register and grabbed a hanger to use as a hooking device to lure the bottle closer. Finally dragging the bottle to her she was so out of breath I considered calling for help.

Now you might say…’Well Adam, maybe she has a medical condition that she can’t stand’. I considered this and was maybe willing to let her off the hook, until her manager came by and told her she could go on break. You would have thought she was about to finish the 100 yard dash with as fast as she moved. She was in line at the Target snack shop before I had put all my bags into my cart.

So yes, she probably does have some medical condition that makes it hard for her to stand…it’s called being obese. The frightening part is all three cashiers in the express lane looked the same. I wonder if that physical demeanor is a prerequisite for the job. The real question is what came first…the fat or the stool? If you give someone an excuse, no doubt they are going to take it…Yeah America!